The Exception To The RULE.
First and foremost – this is for my best friend Joni.
I am having a very nice and fulfilling vacation in Hongkong, when I finally checked on my emails – a girlfriend of mine sends about 2 emails in every 20 minute interval – The boyfriend issue.
I wanted to comfort her, but I am miles away. So for you my friend, and all the girls out there who are dating or in a relationship – Cheer up! This is the day when you will stop “figuring it out”.
Just a heads up, I am not anti-fairy tale. I am not a heartless girl neither a player or a rebel when it comes to love and emotion, or “relationships”. I sucked a couple of times, but then I realized you “don’t go with it”.
You should be in sync with the “relationship” and not “just with the partner”.
It sounds confusing and vague I know. What’s even frustrating is when you start analyzing it becomes more complex.
Remember, love and affection is an emotion, a feeling, not mathematics or science.
The rule is not to lose yourself with “just the partner” but to the relationship as a whole – or else, you lose your individuality, which is actually the main reason why your partner chose you – of all the billions of girls out there.
All I know is – Love is a very strong emotion, therefore it should be realistic or else – your sanity is at stake together with your being.
When you focus on the relationship more and not just/only with your partner – you get a better perspective of what the “real deal” is, or what really is happening and why you or the other is probably not happy or satisfied. Instead of changing yourself or compromising too much – which is actually a result of being into the partner instead of being into the relationship, it is more likely that you’ll be able to use logic and common sense instead of the overwhelming, confusing, and most often misleading emotions.
Emotions can rob you off of common sense and logic, making you less likely in touch with a gut feeling or that inside voice – instinct. Like any animal – humans alike follow instinct or gut which makes reflexes respond naturally. However, instincts or that inside voice can be compromised if logic and common sense are clouded with intense emotions.
Scenario: Being into the relationship instead of being into the partner.
Maybe it’s because I am so busy and I can’t give him enough time, or I have other priorities aside from him.
He is probably not contented or happy anymore. He suddenly realized that “this” is not working for him at all.
But he is well aware of this even before we started dating, I make sure I have 2 weekdays and a weekend spent together at least. Am I not being committed? Am I lacking despite I am having such a hard time trying to balance “us”?
Exactly. Should you analyze the BAD or the GOOD? Concentrate on the GOOD: He is probably not contented or happy anymore. He suddenly realized that “this” is not working for him at all.
This is how one should think when analyzing a relationship situation. Go for the GOOD instead of the BAD. Look at the question that arises, it goes into the root.
Should you blame yourself despite knowing you are committed? No. You know too well you are doing your part. If he is asking more than what you are capable of – he is being selfish. If he said he cheated because of that – it’s crap. If he said he is unhappy now because he is looking for a 24/7 relationship.
What will you do? You having been able to understand it – will only compromise enough and not too much , you will not be led into an emotional trap that we all are AVOIDING causing clouded logic and common sense.
He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt.
I have read and followed this book for years now.
I wouldn’t say I have perfected the craft – believe me, no matter what book you read, what advice you take – the only thing that will help you learn, is your tears. Sometimes, it’s not even enough – we just want to go ahead and bang our heads straight to the wall until we bleed. Once you saw blood – then you learn.
Greg’s (Author) book is all about transparency, realism, and frankness.
Setting yourself up for a good cup instead of a bad one. I guess, he’s got some point on the rule and exception. The obvious doesn’t mean you can assume. Let’s not make life complicated and too colorful or dramatic. I’ve shared some quotes from his book – for my friend.
Stop and think – It actually helped, especially if you are the type who is always “out there” (too vulnerable), and is always paired for dating. Make this your bible, it doesn’t necessarily mean you stop hoping to catch Prince Charming, you are just trying to avoid those “toads” that are everywhere.
“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
“I’m about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember men are never too busy to get what they want.”
“Here’s something else to think about: calling when you say you’re going to be the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house baby, and it’s cold outside.”
“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply miserable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”
“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”
“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
“We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep. “I’ll call you.” “Let’s get together.” We know we won’t. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.”
“It’s very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less — even a vague pathetic facsimile of less — than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don’t settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”
“Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.”
“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”
“We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s liberating. But we also know it’s not an easy concept. -He’s not just into you”
“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves”
“If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.”
“Don’t waste the pretty”
“Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.) ”
“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”
“A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he’s just not that into you.”
“You already have one asshole, you don’t need another one”
“Big plans require big action”
“Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with”
“Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”
“It’s an odd thing to think about, but try imagining that your breakup is a disease. If you were told that you had a serious yet curable disease, would you go get hammered on a regular basis? Eat two bags of Oreos? Chain-smoke, pop, pills, get stoned, or fuck around? NO YOU WOULDN’T. You would take great care of yourself and cut all the unhealthy things out of your life. Because you love yourself, and even if you don’t right now, WE DO. So put the (insert vice here) and start moving on.”
“A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.”
“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”
“I’m tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.”
“He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.”
“The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much wiser in the future.”
“Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.”
“I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and a severe relationship rule: THE WORD “BUSY” IS A LOAD OF CRAP AND IS MOST OFTEN USED BY ASSHOLES. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
My Word of Advice.
Life is a puzzle.
Each of the people are puzzle pieces that make up that puzzle.
Every puzzle piece is meant to fit another puzzle piece – you cannot force a piece that has different edges and vice versa.
In every relationship, there is someone who is bound to fit you perfectly or almost, without too much effort or convenience – just right.
The key is to keep trying while you keep your edges intact for the right puzzle piece to come along.
– Maria Bunda, Author of The Hunter’s Bloodline